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Huh

I always forget this thing exists. I mean, I get the reminders that so-and-so's birthday is coming up but I don't really pay attention. I actually can't always tell if the people it's reminding me about are writing acquaintances or family or people I knew way back when. Especially since I never really wrote any names down anywhere.

For the last half hour, I read back some of my older posts. Oh lordy. The drama. There's probably a reason why my Facebook account typically only has jokes and one-liners and movie quotes on it. I remember being very proud of this journal, especially over how unfiltered I could be on here but I was such an idiot. Oddly honest with myself but still an idiot. On the honesty side, there are things I'm now very embarrassed about yet wrote thoroughly about back then to a degree I just wouldn't share nowadays. Though part of that may be how less trusting I am lately. And that applies to both myself and to others. At least I'm equal opportunity paranoid.

I guess I could update. It's not as if anyone really reads this anymore. Shit, I could actually start writing again and posting my musings on here and it'd be like I never said anything aloud.

...It probably also helps that my real name has never ever been attached to this journal in its lifetime.

And looking back at some of the trouble I caused in years past, wow. My life is still...Either I'm a complete moron or have awful terrible luck. Like, broke all the mirrors in the house kind of luck. Doubt it's all luck though. I mean, people were involved, both myself and plenty of others.

That trouble I got into that I wouldn't really talk about? Made a bad choice of having a soldier watching my daughter...he wandered away while she was napping...the MPs were involved. It was really kind of awful. Still my fault for not thinking that one through (it's not as if I didn't know that fresh soldiers are kind of moronic in astounding ways) and for not recognizing my own destructive motivations. There was a guy involved and I'm stupid as all get out around them. Fortunately, JAG realized it was just a mistake and let it go. They did require that I go to counseling and get help for my depressive tendencies but that was pretty much it. I found a much better babysitter after that in India anyway. She already had three kids and we'd hang out and chat and cook all the time so that was much healthier. Especially since I don't usually have many friends who are girls.

As for my severe crush on Matt? Well, I loved him...in my own me way. It was the first time I'd ever felt that way and I let it all make me stupid. Should have known better. Alas, live and learn. He ditched me for a married chick in the end. It was spectacular both as a failure and as a "holy fuck!" drama. He blamed me for ruining his life (I was never too certain on how that was because everything he said just sounded like excuses) and I turned his new girlfriend against him. I...still feel a little bad about that. And since we were in the same gaming group, when we split, I took the kids. I still join the guys once a year for Origins; we rarely talk about Matt except for when the veteran members inform new members of what a jerk-wad he was to them. I really had been blind to his nasty attitude when I'd been with him. Considering my job and training, it smarts against my pride. Really smarts. Like baseball bat to the head kind.

After...oh a couple years, I met another guy, Blake (who's name sounds like he should be in romance novel XP). He's a veteran like me, has a gimpy foot, and is a true sweetheart. It unfortunately lasted only a couple months. We were...compatible on a lot of ways but he's scared of kids...among other things. That one too ended with another girl. AKA, his old girlfriend, who had left him because he refused to leave his family and move into the city with her, came back and apologized and asked if he'd give her another try. I was never really sure if he did. After a few weeks of reliving the whole Matt thing, I told him that if the issue was such a big choice to him that he couldn't go one way or the other, I would remove the choice part for him. I might have been a bit abrupt about it and probably hurt him a bit but we ended on happier terms. We kept up for a while but I figured out that I really don't know how to tell him no and I really didn't like the whole jealousy thing, for someone I had no real claim to. I let us drift apart instead.

Since then, I've been solo but happier for it. Yes, Ash is around all the time and we do our own mother/daughter things (her learning to read was awesome; comics are a great bonding device). She's turning into a true geek and it's fun to watch. She makes me proud on a regular basis and I'm constantly being reminded of how great she is.

Mostly, my misadventures seem to involve my Jeep of the Many Second Lives. It's gone through a lot and while I've now put more money into it than what I initially paid for it, I love the thing too much to part with its cranky ass. It treats me better than the Sad Saturn of Forever Dying or the Truck of Not Moving.

Actually it's late. I have work first thing and I really need to stop feeding my insomnia.

Yay?

I'm out of the military....finally. Started college again after a six month break. That's going well. I have no job so that's really not but I'm staying with friends. I suppose that's acceptable.

I tried, I really did, to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. >.< But I've been working too hard on freelance writing crap and it's sucked my brain out. At least I'm writing about Japan....even if it's boring work. I restarted my original story, Fall From Grace, and tried to work on To Move The Earth as well...just don't feel up to tackling these kinds of big projects.

I did, however, receive an invitation to write a challenge fic. I'm grateful, even if I haven't found the time for it. Eventually I will. And eventually, I'll get off my butt and write more. ^__^

Good Lord!!

I completely forgot I had this....>.> yeah...I'm slow...

Whelp! It's been a year...and some months...but I found my favorite rambling spot again.

Not much going on...getting ready to leave the military finally. Heading for D.C. I think. ^_^

Have I ever said I hate stupid people?

I'm fairly certain I have.

Ugh.

So I got in a crap-load of trouble this weekend. The kind with MPs involved. And I wish I could say it was something I could brush off or even something of the "doh!" level...but it wasn't. Granted, I'm fully understanding of why I got in trouble and very regretful that I was so stupid (Family, you shall be hearing of this in email form at least because it may involve you at some time...especially mom). No one was hurt but my pride and maybe the image I usually try to cultivate around other people but...I think I'll live and I most definitely learned something this weekend.

Christmas, however, went awesomely. Though I slept a lot. I blame it on Elena's turkey. >.> Ash loved her gifts, by the way. She hasn't set the reader pen down yet, Dad. And she's adoring the clothing. And grandpa, she's been trying to take that machine outside so she can make rainbows in the yard. It's funny to watch.

Anyway, I had to talk to everyone in my command yesterday, go in for counseling today. I'm very thoroughly irritated with people and their opinions and long noses. So irritated, in fact, I refuse to speak to my Sergeant Major and in fact had an EO complaint over some of his comments. I'm used to his off-beat jokes about my height and don't really mind, though I've never appreciated his sense of humor, nor his attempts to "one-up" everyone he talks to. However, I wasn't really all that impressed to a) have my religious beliefs questioned or b) be told that I'm not allowed to be upset or stressed by his questioning me. Even though he was rude and very abrasive with me and asked me things he had no right to.

And today at counseling....yeah. I sense a woman in need of a good throat chop. She outright told me I shouldn't have kids. "That's what birth control is for" was her nasty comment. And seeing as how she contradicted everything else I've ever read or been told before by psychiatrists and counselors, I have very little faith in her abilities to present a valid statement on what's good for me and mine. I fully intend to make a complaint about her behavior tomorrow. I'm pretty sure there's something out there in IG that forbids telling people that they shouldn't have ever had kids or that they shouldn't have friends or social lives. I"m not inclined to listen to her at all.

On the other hand, my relationship with Matt is going along really well. I interrupted his recovery sleep today to use him as a comfort pillow while I calmed down after the evil counsel session. He didn't seem to mind all that much; just went right on back to sleep on me.

Also, I have officially enrolled back into college. Huzzah! I'm listed as working on a bachelor's in Computer Science and Technology. It's interesting. And they even took several of my transfer credits from other colleges so I don't have to repeat English or Math. Yay!

Guess I ought to sleep. I have work tomorrow.

Wow...

I learn something new all the time.

Such as...when I'm really, really drunk, I still have great coordination, I can count just fine, and I can speak Korean with better speed and fluency than when I'm sober.

I went out Friday with the guys...

One couldn't hold his liquor very well at all.
One when from silent and creepy to talkative and cheerful in two seconds flat and kept patting me on the head.
One couldn't manage to sit up straight, gave up, and used me as a pillow most of the night.

Also, I apparently don't really get hangovers. I suppose that last one is a really awesome thing to have. And even really, really drunk, I didn't have any moments of black-out, which is something I've always hated about other drunks.

The good thing is, three of us walked away from that experience with the idea that we're not really up for drinking for a while afterwards...like a month or two. It was prolly the first time I drank in a year.

Also, somehow, I hooked up with Matt when the drunk was wearing off. ^_^ Despite being a little confused on what definition he's placing our relationship in, I'm content for now that I have permission to kiss and touch. Mm.

So, overall, the weekend was fun and interesting. Also, Janna. I watched the American "My Sassy Girl." It was good. Korean version was waaaaaaaaay better but it was good considering the differences in our cultures.

<3

Awwwwwwwwww...

I has dragon eggs!!

Adopt one today!

and

Adopt one today!

and

Adopt one today!

How cute...and colorful...

Rar!

So it was an interesting day...

Woke up at 5 am and decided I just wasn't going to get more sleep than I had.

Lifted weights for PT...went to dental where they beat up my mouth when I couldn't feel it...did as little work as possible.

Seriously, my mouth hurts a lot. They had to put on a temporary crown. Didn't think it'd make my gums hurt...

Came home and decorated my tree with Ash. It's colorful now. I think the cats like the ornaments.

Tried to help Matt fix his computer via phone. He tried to download a antivirus software and it messed up something. Not sure if our combined efforts did anything and James isn't around to troubleshoot.

I'm trying to decide if I want to continue my never ending battle with the laundry or watch Scrubs....choices, choices...

**collaspes**

Ugh. So tired. Physically, anyway. I'm trying to clean the living room....which turned into me rearranging furniture...and finding some scary stuff under the couch. Ew. Sometimes, little kids suck.

Had an....interesting but ultimately too short weekend. Started yesterday by the Battalion's Orphanage Christmas Party and helped celebrate with all the other little people for about two hours. Stayed for lunch and Santa (aka George because he speaks Japanese really well so the Japanese orphans love him). Then had this horrible itch to be elsewhere. Really elsewhere. I wish I could say I had no idea where that itch wanted me to go, but that would be lying horribly. Had anyone asked me at the time, I would have said I didn't know. I did.

So I went with this feeling and ended up at Matt's room in the barracks. -_- I'm such a sad individual. We played LOTRO...or rather, he played, I watched and made fun of him then played his character while he got lunch, then laughed when he died because he turned his back to eat. We spent the rest of the day watching Robin Hood (the one with Kevin Costner in it) and Howl's Moving Castle. And then we tortured Ash for awhile.

Today, the group ended up at Elena's house with Matt running a two-part game for us. >.> We're not dead so I guess all is good-ish. And Elena bought this giant sized bean bag thing that's big enough to sleep on so during breaks, everyone took turns jumping on it. And we all joined into the game of torture Shane when he was immobilized by the bean bag. He was laughing so hard he was squealing. And then afterwords, he complained bitterly that too many people had attacked his nipples and that they were bleeding. **rolls her eyes** Yeah. He's that much of a wuss. The guys killed zombies in hoards during dinner. Not really my thing. And Matt hasn't managed to kill us during the game...so it was a good day all-in-all.

But it's interesting to see Matt as the Game Master versus James like is our usual. James is very dramatic and loves the role playing of the games while Matt is very much a story teller. And we haven't had Matt GM in a long time. The last time I played under Matt had been my first real game so it was interesting to return to his style and make the mental comparisons.

Ah...looks like I have to get back to cleaning. **cries** T_T

Stupid

Ugh **bangs her head on her desk**

Yes. My life has greatly improved of late. Yay! Unfortunately, I am a hopeless coward and an idiot.

Ugh. **bangs her head some more**

Was doing okay to skate by with "I kinda like this guy...but I'm okay if he just sees me as a friend." Ugh. Then he had to answer his door today with no shirt. And okay, so previously, I haven't based a single relationship off of looks. I don't intend to start now.

But golly gee.

There is mental torture and anguish in store for me in the future. Yes, sirree.

I've always known he works out fairly regularly. Heavens, he's in charge of remedial fitness training so he has to have a basic interest to begin with. Unfortunately, I failed to really think about how nice he would look without a shirt. >.< I mean, he's not the super buff kind of guy. Really of an average build but he's tone and it shows.

He opened his door and it was an effort to talk coherently. Geez. It's like I finally turned into a teenager, silly crushes and all.

I've been trying to work up my nerve to ask him out - Ha! Screw traditional gender rolls! - but I lack the courage for that. Just way too nervous for that, I think.

On the other hand, we hung out with three other friends playing Rainbow Six and fighting games until the wee hours. Granted everyone but me was drunk, the dorks. And at some point, I became his impromptu pillow....or something like that. Of course, me and Ash were taking up half the couch anyway....**sigh** I don't know. What I do know is that only my sheer nervousness and soberness kept me from leaning forward and kissing him in the parking lot when he helped me get a super passed out Ash into the car at the end of the festivities. @_@

Lordy, lordy. I wish I knew how to socialize better...or even how to be a real girl. I haven't dated in....well, since Sean. And that was-what? four years ago. Ugh **bangs head some more**

In other, not wrenching news, I've nearly completed taking over the language program at work. It's fun. And we have a Christmas party for some orphans tomorrow that ought to be some fun. Oh! And I've almost completed registering for college classes. They're just working on my transcripts now.

If you don't hear from me for the rest of the weekend, have an awesome time, everyone, and be safe.